As part of my “Week of Online Dating” theme, unlike my hard-hitting expose coming later on this week (it’s, like, totally real journalism), here’s 5 reasons why I actually HATE online dating. 

Full disclosure: at this time in my life, I would never go on a date with someone off OkCupid or Eharmony, et al (and NEVER Seeking Arrangement, a sugar daddy site with the faaaaaint trace of prostitution). Why? I’m just 22, practically a child, and that just scares me to death! I’ve seen way too many episodes of Catfish. In a few years & once that show’s off the air, then I’ll be ready to online date–unless of course I’m dating Nev Schulman. In the spirit (and hope) of that, here’s my top five reasons to not online date:

1. You might end up as the subject of Catfish (If so, let me pretend to be your sister to meet Nev). As a rule, I have pretty terrible luck. The kind of stuff you might see on a sitcom, but without the laugh track, redeemable 30 minutes later ending, or budget. I’d probably get Catfished immediately. (In fact, I’m pretty sure I “discovered” at least TWO fake accounts on my own.)

2. If you build it, they will come. It meaning a profile, they meaning the CREEPIEST GUYS IN THE UNIVERSE. I am NOT kidding. Your milkshake/cleverly worded profile & tasteful photos brings all the boy weirdos to the yard.

Like the sea of zombies attacking Brad Pitt in “World War Z,” those strange people will be falling all over you. If you have zero self-confidence, I guess maybe you could see it as nice? But no. The answer is no.  

I personally don’t understand why the ones who seem to be normal, attractive, and are like 90% your match aren’t as confident as the creepy guys. Is it like “Freaky Friday” every day of the week?

This is an actual photo from an actual OkCupid account

3. You’ll be forced to become an expert avoider. I’m not an avoidant personality type–I will say what needs to be said or be the one to go into awkward situations to fix the problem. But what in the world do you do when someone chats with you & asks to get coffee when you really don’t want to?

I mean, YES, you could say no, but I feel so bad! So I just…avoid the question/don’t respond. This method works GREAT for every online dating scenario: when someone asks for your number, when they want to actually meet (gasp, the horror), when they ask you weird questions like “What can you work on to improve as a woman?” 

IGNORE EVERYTHING. I know this is horrible advice, and that’s why this is a reason NOT to online date. You are forced to become what you hate.

4.  Online Dating makes dating seem like a total meat market.  Basically, you’re just online shopping for a person to be with–and you can be even MORE specific about what you what to do with that person (casual sex, pen pals (I know, weird right?), casual dating, long term dating, etc) or what you want them to look like. This isn’t real, but an automat of personality traits and physical features. I know it works wonderfully for some people, but I think everyone who online dates needs to be careful to not fall into that online shopping trap.

It’s also easy to make it into a game & be heartless about online dating. Because there’s little “real life” contact, I always find it easy to be a total smartass and forget that these accounts are actual people. If I let myself, I become a online dating dictator, completely ignoring people if our “match numbers” are low or if they don’t have a cool profile, or any sort of little whatever.

5. Facebook stalking is wayyyyy more fun. A few days in to online dating, the fun will wear away because there’s only so much you can do on there. Stalking “real life” people on social media will never fail or disappoint you. Never.  Plus, you can view people’s pages “invisibly”–no one will ever know!