Swimsuit Shopping, as told by gifs

Dante’s Inferno speaks merely of nine circles of hell, but because Dante was a guy (who, yeah, also lived during the 14th century), I think he missed out on a HORRIBLE, awful, miserable 10th circle: summer swimsuit season. 


Oh yes. Welcome to the torture chamber–known commonly as the dressing rooms of any major department store.


Here’s the deal. Swimsuit shopping isn’t fun for anyone (even for women with the body of pubescent boys, the kind you often see on runways). For me, I’ve come to the sad conclusion there are like zero bikini tops I could ever wear, as many are  practically just 3 inches of fabric….



Forget going shopping with anyone you want to stay civil towards! Who would’ve imagined that shopping for a yard (or less) of waterproof material would turn mother against daughter, sister against sister, and friend into foe? It’s a battleground of emotions.


And swimsuit shopping is practically like preparing for the Hunger Games! Whenever I’m in line at Target, I see all the dozens of headlines around February promoting getting “beach abs in 5 minutes/seconds flat!” and those headlines are definitely enough to inspire me to prepare for swimsuit season…for a day.


Most of the time during these exercise fantasies, I give up because a) I love food and b) I like the way I look anyways. Plus, I’m whiter than a piece of paper, so even if I achieved beach abs, I would literally blind someone the second they saw my pale flesh. Beauty is pain(ful for others)? Maybe?


(Side note: I’m also looking for a real job so, hire me! I’m not really vain.)

With one day of dieting under my belt, I always feel slightly more prepared to go into the 10th circle of hell/Macy’s swimwear department. …This is ALWAYS a huge mistake. H-U-G-E.anigif_enhanced-buzz-29308-1366918560-0

Inevitably you’ll: find something adorable, try it on, hate it, it’s too small, your body is betraying you, one single tear  will fall down your face, you yell at your mom/shopping companion, you’ll maybe cuss, you march back to the racks and find 435 more suits, they’re all ugly, you have to go up a size, all the suits you see are grandma-ish,  you hate everything in the world, repeat, repeat, repeat (results may vary.) anigif_enhanced-buzz-4002-1366915278-6

If you’re lucky (and that’s a big if), you’ll find something. Maybe even the bathing suit beyond your wildest dreams! If you’re not so lucky, no worries–there’s always 6 more department stores to visit…womp, womp. anigif_enhanced-buzz-7967-1369412624-2

Here are my AMAZING RULES FOR SWIMSUIT SHOPPING, created just now:

1.  Okay, so you don’t look stunning in bandeau tops (who does, y’all?). Try something else that you might not have before. anigif_enhanced-buzz-27141-1368243567-6

2.  PLEASE don’t squeeze yourself into something that God did not intend for your body. Oh girl.anigif_enhanced-buzz-23941-1366764203-1

3.  YOU ARE HOT. Duhhhh! You don’t need a certain size or bathing suit style to tell you that. Please.


I dream of a world where one day, shopping for bathing suits won’t be so torturous. Until then, godspeed, fellow shoppers.

The buzz on alcohol (and other horrible puns) PART II

So, a couple of weeks ago I posted part one of my journey and thoughts regarding drinking. To recap, basically I was an extremely judgmental elitist who wasted a lot of energy on a subject which wasn’t half as big of a deal as I made it out to be.

Everyone was so kind in their comments and responses! I’m glad that my little thoughts were of good use. There’s nothing quite as powerful as hearing someone else say “Me too–I struggled with that also!” to feel community and support. (Looooove it!)

Without further hesitation, here’s part two, or “Get out of your house!”  Continue reading

“I choose to risk my significance”

Well, hey y’all! I just got back from a “Sabbatical” in Dallas and it sure was wonderful! I stayed away from my phone and social media to just really be present and soak up whatever I felt like God wanted me to hear! And it rocked. Naturally. I mean, you might argue that sabbaticals belong only to old men pastors but you’ve OBVIOUSLY never taken a sabbatical yourself. It’s scary to be quiet and still–you don’t know what you might hear in the void. But I promise it’s worth it.

One thing I found this week was a poem that has completely shocked my senses. These few lines are exactly what I need to hear on a daily basis.

I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance;
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.

-dawn markova

I hate single people

While many of my friends are in the season of serious relationships and marriage, I am definitely not. And I’m totally okay with it.

I feel like there’s some sort of self-defense stigma that follows the “I’m okay being single” statement, as usually some sort of retort like “Really! I am!” is “supposed” to follow, but I see no need for that. I mean, I’ve never been in a relationship even, but you’ll never ever see me acting ashamed of that fact. I’d rather be intentional and wait around for however long than date someone I only kind of like (or because I’m bored! I’ve been guilty of that…)

BUT lord have mercy, I’m sick of all the miserable, desperate singles! If throwing pity parties could get people into heaven, Christian singles would have the best turnover rate!

Happiness cannot be found through dating someone. (!!!!!)

If you truly believe God loves you and is faithful, why would He withhold joy from you just because you’re single? Relationships don’t equal a monopoly on contentment.

Psalms 84:11
For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless.

If you look for the good/cause for joy in your life, you WILL find it. It’s that easy. You don’t have to wait to be content. (Spoiler alert, even those who are taken need contentment.)

So please for everyone’s sake, stop complaining. And when you do, come find me & we can go to Thailand or New Orleans or something! Just because why not?

STILL not going straight to grad school, World. Deal with it.

Mini rant: I absolutely despise pretentiousness, as I believe it’s just blatant insecurity. If you have to put down others to make yourself feel better, there’s a problem.

I’m not going to grad school this upcoming fall and I have absolutely no regrets. While I’m tentatively planning on going in the fall of 2014 and probably going to pursue either  Strategic Communications or Economics, specifically Cultural Microeconomics, I’m tired of feeling like people expect me to apologize for not attending right away.

Sadly, I’ve encountered some discouragement from other people around me, but I don’t have anything to prove. Pushing personal agendas on people & treating them like they’re worthless because they aren’t adhering the the same life schedule as yourself is just petty and sophomoric.

So, maybe you’re also feeling discouraged about your current life plans/lack thereof. No one’s dreams or future plans deserve discouragement or value judgements. Just because you’re not doing ________, does not mean you are _________. God’s story for you is unique, not one size fits all.

(And for pete’s sake, you don’t need an extra piece of paper, graduation cord, or whatever to validate your intelligence or worth.)

DIY Don’t: Upcycled Mens Shirt Top

I have a dream.

An insane dream to one day be able to upcycle (read: converting useless/old material into something cool & fresh) old clothes into awesome trendy pieces…and yet, EVERY SINGLE TIME I try to enact this plan, I fail miserably and comically.

This isn’t an exaggeration. I may be good at some DIY projects, but my sewing machine hates my guts.  If my life were an animated movie, it would be the bad guy & would probably have an ominous smoker’s voice.

Like this, but evil.

Like this, but evil.

But alas, I am a fool.

I’m obsessed with the idea of denim button up/oxford shirts that are literally EVERYWHERE and look fantastic in a variety of outfits. While perusing my local Goodwill, I found an old denim men’s shirt, which I thought would be PERFECT in fulfilling my desire for denim and my upcycling DIY dream.

Not too shabby! I'm imagining that it belonged to an old construction worker.

Not too shabby! I’m imagining that it belonged to an old construction worker.

The sleeves were too baggy and the shirt was a tad too large in general to just wear normally, so the Mens Shirt –> to Sleeveless Top transformation began! I feel optimistic, like the fairy godmother of bad clothes!


(If you squint, you can kind of see a slight ombre effect to the shirt–another upcycle that failed miserably)

You’ll need: scissors, pins, a sewing machine, an oversized shirt (duh), and a sleeveless top that fits you well, a better attitude than I had


Line up the top with the mens shirt and trace a new outline, being sure to cut seam allowances–something I ignored. Foolishly.

So then just sew it up! You’ll be fine. Also make sure to size it correctly…another cough mistake cough.

This is where my issue came. Once it had been sewed and finished, I realized that there was just something weird about the sleeves that made the entire shirt look like something out of a very butch lesbian’s closet.

No comment.

No comment.

Maybe sleeveless button downs are just not a good idea. Maybe they resemble denim Mom vests too much. Maybe I should stop fooling myself about upcycle projects.

With normal clothes, my new shirt isn’t too horrible, but I highly doubt it’s wearable “on the outside.” Sigh. Anyone want a free, moderately well-tailored shirt with…interesting sleeves?

Catchphrase #743: Red lipstick fixes everything!

Catchphrase #743: Red lipstick fixes everything!

But really.

Hugs Are Weird, as told by gifs.

First, I should explain: “physical touch” is NOT my love language.


I’ve probably only had like 28 hugs in my entire life that have been not awkward (to me). I mean, I’m no hug floozy (oh, don’t act like you haven’t a clue what I’m talking about…) so (which inevitably leads to my friends taking advantage of my tiny personal space bubble with horrifying hugs en masse.) I ALWAYS overthink and overplan hugs. How’s this possible, you ask? It’s just a hug, you say!



..NOT when you’ve grown up reading all about the godforsaken “Christian side hug to leave room for the Holy Spirit” forever imprinted into your psyche. Hugs were scary back then–scarier than the book of Revelation (I went to a really Southern Baptist church. We talked more about hug purity than end times.) But back to the Christian side hugs–


I’m pretty sure the Holy Spirit wouldn’t want to be taking part of my hug–don’t even want to! I mean, He can take my place! Please!

So, again, how do you overplan hugs? Just like THIS: You’re at lunch with a friend, having a great conversation, when–look at the time!–you’ve got to go.

You stand up.

They stand up.


Do you reach to hug them? Or wait until they hug you first? Is it a weird side hug? How long will this hug last? Why is it happening? What are the motives behind this hug?  Is one hug enough? If it’s overly long, can you try the little pat on the back trick to speed it up? (See, there are lots of questions one might ask themselves.) tumblr_mevrrsQ0mo1r9pzp9o1_500

I mean, come on. Are high-fives too weird to do in place of hugs? Can that be a thing? anigif_enhanced-buzz-24667-1368150502-3

Maybe you don’t even hug & just walk off, as nobody makes the first move. Then it’s arguably worse, because then you wonder what horrible physical defect you must certainly possess if they don’t want to hug you. Do I smell bad? Are you afraid of me? Am I some sort of freak of nature? Do you hate me?


Okay, but obviouslythis is very situational. It doesn’t apply to everyone, especially certain people. Like, what if your lunch date happens to be with a gorgeous celebrity? Like Joseph Gordon-Levitt? I’m really, very pro-hug in these situations.



…Alas, now the entire world knows how weird I can be about hugs.


P.S.  Side hugs are also abominable. If I’m being forced to hug someone, it’d better be the real thing. I’m sure I’m not the ONLY person in the world with personal space issues. And I’m improving! Maybe one day I’ll be able to hug a total stranger and not worry about germ contact. We can only hope. Until then…anigif_enhanced-buzz-1350-1369326051-1